Feeling Lost

Last night/this morning has been weird. I half feel lost in my own life and half feel frustrated because of choices I've made in the past that are directly impacting my life now. Sometimes I wonder why I make certain choices... I miss my Utah "family". I miss being where it actually felt like home. Being in VA doesn't feel as homey as it did back when I was a kid. I am beginning to question why I came here in the first place.

I miss Utah a lot.

I will admit, I cried myself to sleep last night.

Why is it that as soon as I move completely across the country, that I find myself missing everything I left?

I'm putting this out into the void, and if anyone has any advice for someone who feels completely lost.... Please share.

- J

Reflection

Recently I have had a lot of time to think about my life and where I stand with myself.

Unfortunately, I am not happy with who I am. I am happy with where I am, but it's different... It's different to know that where you are in life is a good place to be at, and it's another to know that who you are at that place is who you want to be. And although I know where I'm at is good for me, who I am now, isn't.

I keep reflecting back, beating myself up (unnecessarily so) for mistakes in my past and letting those mistakes be the guide for my future when in reality, they should be what I try to avoid. I should let my mistakes be in my mind as a reminder of the weaknesses I had and the strengths that can result if I work hard. Instead, I've let myself down. I haven't turned my weaknesses into strengths. In fact, I am far from where I'd like to be.

I talked with my ecclesiastical leader recently and he talked to me about this very thing. He explained that out weaknesses can be strengths, and one key to making that happen is that we need to stop beating ourselves up for our mistakes.

But it's a hard thing not to do. 

When you constantly slip up and make mistakes that you knew better... And when those mistakes seem to drown you in sorrow... It's hard to not beat yourself up.

I know from personal experience that not beating yourself up for your past, or even the mistakes you currently make, is near impossible, but that it is essential to progressing and being happy.

I know how it feels. I know what it is like.
i.am.my.own. best friend.

Realization

Tonight I realized something. I realized that when I am lonely, I will do ANYTHING to get rid of that feeling. But I also realize that I've been looking at this one sided- the "bad" things. I would've done anything bad in the past to feel less alone. Kiss for the heck of it. Kiss for fun. Kiss random strangers for all I know. But if I am getting that lonely feeling creeping back in, should I do "good" things. I should read my scriptures, and pray, and find peace through patience. I should talk to good friends and help them, by serving them.

I saw this quote from John that said: "When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead."

So, stop moping and slipping into bad habits, or thoughts. That's my advice for the evening.

I know how it feels. I know what it is like.
i.am.my.own. best friend.

Mistake

"I'm sorry. . . I just feel like I made a mistake . . ."

Have you ever heard those words and felt your heart just break? My eyes are swelling with tears, my heart is broken. A guy that I truly love and care for just broke my heart for the second time.

I honestly believed that this time it would be different. I always believe that there's hope for a better and brighter future. But, life has a funny way of saying "that's not in the plan". And I have to believe that God believes in me enough to know that this isn't right, at least for now.

Tonight I cried for the first time in a long time. I've convinced myself that I don't need to feel emotion because it's too hard to deal with. But today I have to admit- I hurt, and that's okay.

I know how it feels. I know what it is like.
i.am.my.own. best friend.

Eternity

The past year I have been suffering from sever depression, the kind that even the "right" medicine can't fix... I had an emotional breakdown about a month ago and as a result, deleted my facebook. I'll be honest, it was SO nice. For the first time in a long time I felt like maybe, just maybe I could do this. Do what, you ask? Life. I have spent the past couple years struggling with depression, but as of late, it's gotten much worse. I'd like to blame work. I'd love to blame school. I could even blame my lovely tumor Winifred. But that wouldn't help anything.

I've been there.. Sitting all alone, wanting to cry, but you're so depressed even tears won't fall. I'll admit, I've considered ending my life. But what good would that do? I believe that we live forever. And although the pain, and suffering you experience in this life won't follow you to the next, I believe my soul will. And if I were to end my life, I would still be living.... forever.... And that to me is a TERRIFYING thought.

Have you ever thought about how long forever is?? I mean, each semester seems like an eternity. I can't believe, honestly, that 4 months is not even the smallest speck of eternity.

So, where am I going with all this randomness?

I've decided this blog will take a turn. It will be my diary. It will be my deepest thoughts and desires. But, I will keep it public. And maybe, just maybe, my suffering and depression will resonate with someone out there, and maybe we don't have to feel so alone.

I know how it feels. I know what it is like.
i.am.my.own. best friend.

Usually when I am in a crowd of thousands, that's when I feel the most alone. But sitting here in this hallway, completely alone, I feel it too. I wonder at times like this if I'd even be missed, or if anyone would notice if I left this hall and went somewhere else.

I'm one of those people who honestly needs a daily slap in the face to remind me that I'm looking at this all wrong. I shouldn't wonder if I'd be missed, I should be wondering about others who would be missed if they left, if they went somewhere else. 

See, I think too much about myself. I wouldn't be who I am today without my friends, family, teachers and professors, and colleagues. Where would I be without them? How miserable would I be if they left? How miserable would I be if YOU left?

If you ever think you're not good enough, or that you won't be missed, know that I'd miss you... I honestly would.

I know how it feels. I know what it is like.
i.am.my.own. best friend.

Haunted

I will admit I am one of those people who actually benefits from therapy. I saw a therapist every 3 weeks for this past winter semester while at BYU. I learned SO much about myself...

I learned that it takes a LOT to get me to cry. That every experience I face will be implanted in my mind forever. "Forever?" you ask. "Forever." I have realized that my past is going to haunt me. But what I haven't figured out, is why. 

My first haunting experience is as follows: When I was at my first year of EFY, I got treated like a princess by my counselor. She acted like we were best friends, and it meant the world to me. But when EFY was over, she turned her back on me and I experienced my first heart break. I learned then that people can't be trusted... That friends will never really truly be there for you. That everything good always comes to an end.

Yeah, that's what I believed, for a long time. I honestly thought that I didn't deserve to be happy because if I was happy, even for a moment, it would end, and I'd be better off miserable than happy for an instant.

But let me ask you this: Don't you deserve to be happy?? Don't you deserve to be brilliant and fabulous and loved and needed? The answer is simple. The answer is yes. 

But the struggle we face isn't on why we should be happy, it's how to be happy. It's the same problem I struggle with... Why my past haunts me... If I could just figure out a solution, wouldn't life just be infinitely better??

Anyone out there have any ideas?

Some of us need some desperately.

I know how it feels. I know what it is like.
i.am.my.own. best friend.